the condom got lost in my hair
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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