ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
