i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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