u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
