shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
