She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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