Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
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