I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
whose parrot is this?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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