he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
50% drunk capacity currently
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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