You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
