dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
