rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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