Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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