There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
