I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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