Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
