I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
