Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
