The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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