WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I know her cup size but not her name....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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