So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
