I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just had sex on a roof
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize