I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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