we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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