we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
