My liver just broke up with me...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Randomize
