First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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