I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
