So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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