Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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