i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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