I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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