im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
