i jhust puked up my retainher.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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