so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
