Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I can text with my tongue
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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