i just sent this text using only my big toe
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
