So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
