Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She's the barista slut.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
