So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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