a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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