Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm getting married
To pizza
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
