Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
