So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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