Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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