Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
