i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
