He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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