you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
