Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As shirtless as possible
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you had me at cake vodka
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
