Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
