he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize