I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
