Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
