I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
