They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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