just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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