did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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